An open letter to the creators of Guitar Hero.

Dear Harmonix,

I should begin this with a word of congratulations. You've accomplished some major things in developing this genre of video game, not the least of which is giving Pop music what may be its last shot at profitability. It's an unimaginable decade that has passed since the last time a thirteen-year-old has bought a CD, and with it has come a musical environment that is rich in upper-level cognitive exercise, superhuman hand/eye coordination and a sense of tradition in popular music.

You've breathed a lot of new life into the music and have made obsolete the post-war American paradigm of the isolated teen using unfamiliar and intimidating music to distance himself from his family. Now, a child is just as likely as not to engage a parent in an open dialog about how music has changed, and where it might be going. And why were there so many songs about robots when you were kids? You've done the impossible, Harmonix. You should be proud. You're a healer of generations and a fine custodian of music.

Which brings me to this point.

Watching my daughter cruise through Carer mode on Band Hero, it became gradually apparent that the word "whiskey" had been scrubbed from the vocal track on American Pie. It's taken me weeks to notice this, but there it is. My first reaction was sort of surprised amusement. I know that this song is from a time when kids didn't wear seatbelts or fear their cub scout troop leaders, but it's hard to imagine even the most prudishly sober person in all of North America taking issue with this simple word (even if the chorus is repeated seven times -- I'll grant you that's a bunch).

On March 7, 2001 The National Endowment for the Arts, Scholastic Inc. and The RIAA released a list of 365 songs from the 20th century which promoted "a better understanding of America’s musical and cultural heritage." American Pie was number five. It's a nearly perfect song, guys. It's mournful and joyous all at once. It's patriotic in a way that a song can't be if it's morose or talks about putting a boot up someone's ass. We've listened to this song both when halftime air was sweet perfume and as we sang dirges in the dark.

No mention was made, on that list or the accompanying article, of the millions of children dragged into alcoholism by Don McLean's mere mention of the word "whiskey." One wonders who Don McLean knows and how far his influence reaches.

And by the way, creators of Guitar Hero... Rye is still in the song. RYE! Them good ol' boys were drinking (CENSORED) and Rye. Nice job. Sure glad you didn't say "whiskey" before you mentioned that, you know... other kind of whiskey. Would you please let someone who is older than Donkey Kong make your decisions? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to give my child an insulin shot. She has juvenile diabetes because she heard the word "pie" over and over for six minutes. And there was no video game publisher there to protect us.

Well, I feel better. You won't change a thing. I'll try not to notice. You just want to get through the day without getting sued and I just want to goof off with my kids. We'll continue to use and enjoy your fine product. Personally, I'm not going to rest until I get through Hey Man, Nice Shot on expert mode. You know, that Filter song about R Bud Dwyer blowing his head off at a press conference.

Hey. They don't mention whiskey in that song do they?

God, I hope not.



Your pal,

Gregg