President Gregg

"Congratulations on the election, Mr. President."

"Why, thank you. It was a real squeaker, there."

"You were quite the underdog."

"Yeah, well..."

"And your victory was a surprise to us all."

"Hm. That seems purposely hurtful.  But, thanks again."

"Anyhoo... welcome to the headquarters of the Homeland And National Defense Junta Of Bureaucentralism."

"THAT is quite a name.  Can't you guys use an acronym?"

"Sadly, no."

"Fair enough."

"We've brought you down here, sir, as we have every president since the Johnson administration, to show you where we stand in terms of national defense."

"Great. You know how I feel about this topic."

"Of course.  I've seen the debates."

"You, my friend, are looking at the 'Live Free Or Die' President.  That's what they'll call me."

"Yes sir."

"Because the moral outnumber the immoral by orders of magnitude. We can rely upon our citizenry to act in the interest of society's well-being.  This is, after all, the Home of the Brave."

"I was at the inauguration, sir.  There's no need to reiterate-"

"You know what Benjamin Franklin said. 'Those who would trade freedom for safety deserve neither.'"

"Misquoted and out of context, Mr. President.  But noted."

"Pocket knives for every airline passenger!"

"Very nice. Have you finished?"

"I've only just started, but let's move on to the matter at hand. We've got changes to make. No more of this creepy surveillance business. "

"As you wish, Mr President. So this is our system."

"Oh my God. It's immense!"

"And on there screens you can see..."

"Wait!  What are those guys doing?"

"They are doing precisely what they seem to be doing."

"That's terrible."

"It is."

"So this is all hooked up to..."

"Yes."

"So you guys can just..."

"Yes."

"And what the hell is that over there?"

"The power source."

"How does that work?"

"The large building contains a turbine and a furnace which is fueled by the output of the smaller building next to it."

"What does the smaller building produce?"

"American flags."

"So, you are manufacturing American flags specifically to be burned as fuel in this machine?"

"Those flags and, daily, a thin strip of parchment clipped from the actual Constitution."

"Jesus! Why?"

"Just to drive home the metaphor."

"Well, this has to stop.  This is unconscionable and unacceptable."

"Mr. President, this system and the activities it sustains have alerted us to several hundred planned attacks that we were able to halt in the earliest stages."

"But still. This can't continue."

"Alright. It is, after all, well within your power to end this program."

"Yeah. I'm sorry. It really seems like my only choice.  Nothing personal.  You seem like a great guy. I think I can find a place for you in the Department of Agriculture.  You know what's fascinating? Wheat.  You like wheat?"

"No.  Thank you, sir.  I'll be leaving."

"Why?"

"I don't want to be near any of the primary targets when the dirty bombs deploy."

"Is that really a certainty?  If there's one thing I know, it's that this country is filled with people who fantasize day and night about killing terrorists."

"When a person walks into a public area with a suicide vest and a handbag full of plutonium, it doesn't matter how many people around him have Glocks clipped to their belts."

"Well, no.  Not in that moment, I guess."

"With all due respect, sir, what other moments are there going to be?  Who will be gathering the intel?  Are you going to leave THAT up to the guys shooting AR-15's at tree stumps with turbans on them?"

"But what you're doing here is criminal."

"It's criminal as defined by a constitution which we have to violate so that citizens can enjoy the remainder of its protections. It's less than ideal, but here we are."

"You have a decision before you, Mr. President. You can either allow us to continue, or you can be the world's greatest defender of the constitution."

"As long as I'm willing to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of Americans."

"And to directly bear that blame. Yes sir."

"I can't possibly do that."

"No. They never can."

"Did anyone ever come close?"

"No."

"It's just odd that so many people have been willing to sacrifice their lives to defend the Constitution, but no one is willing to sacrifice their legacy."

"Can you blame them?"

"Not at all.  Willing to spend the rest of your life carrying the hatred and judgement of history for doing the right thing, that's a rare sort of courage."

"Imagine Franklin's quote if you exchange the word 'safety' with 'vengeance'.  You wonder if the people would tolerate a decline in their personal liberties in the name of eradicating a sect whose doctrines are self-designed to flourish in the ambiguous middle ground of a nation which is torn between the seemingly incompatible goals of protecting the innocent and following self-evident morality.  Would that be less hypocritical?"

"Perhaps the larger perspective is that you shouldn't believe that something is universally true simply because Benjamin Franklin said it."

"Awesome.  Thanks for that."

"Soooo... this is our continuation paperwork. Sign here to renew us for four years, or sign here, here, here and here, initial this and as soon as the photographer gets here, we'll shut 'er down."

(The President shakes head, takes pen, signs)

"Thank you, Mr. President.   Oh, and here.  There's also this."

"What's this?  This is... this is, like, thirteen-hundred pages long."

"It's a list of every character string you've ever typed into an incognito browser search window."

"I KNEW it!  I always said this was going to happen someday."

"Yes.  Congratulations.  You're very insightful.  We need you to sign and date this."

(Muttering) "  ...bunch of bullshit... okay, there!  Take it, you creepy snoop."

"Thank you for your time, Mr. President.  Good luck with your term."

"Yeah.  Appreciate it."

"Please follow me back to your motorcade."

"Oh, hey.  Wait.  This is YOUR pen.   Heh-heh.  Let me give this back to you.  I don't want to steal your pen."

"Thanks.  You're a real stand-up guy."